Inanimate Interviews: Virgin Media Super Hub

TOM: Hello and welcome to the very first of the interviews that Whiskey Chuckles and I will be conducting on this blog. The plan is to first create a character around this item based on its role, its look and perhaps its origins or time of use. This character will then be questioned by the two of us where we'll hope to answer any pressing questions the readers have for the guest and also learn a little about the object's perspective. So, first of all I'd like to welcome my co-host Whiskey Chuckles to the-

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: Wait, we're doing this now? I didn't think of any questions, where's my bath robe?

TOM: Why do you have a bath robe?!

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: Ironing Board gets a bath robe!

TOM: That's a shirt I left on the Ironing Board.

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: Whatever! I found my bath robe now can we just get this over with?

WHISKEY CHUCKLES puts on a bath robe.

Pause

TOM: Now I want a bath robe. Forget it! Without further ado please welcome our inanimate object of the week: Virgin Media Super Hub.

Name: Super Hub

Function: To provide stable wireless and wired internet connections to its designated household.

Characteristics: Black, sleek, modern, "super", provides a service.

TOM: Welcome Super Hub are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: (whispering) Ask for a bath robe!

SUPER HUB: The SUPER HUB requires no robe! I am SATISFIED with my current state.

TOM: Ok well then if you'd like to tell us a little about yourself to begin with...

SUPER HUB: Super Hub was conceived on a DISTANT WORLD-

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: Made in China.

SUPER HUB: -called MADICHINA! There I was granted the power to create wired and/or wireless connections for ALL!

Pause

SUPER HUB: Within a certain distance of MY POSITION!

Pause

SUPER HUB: Unless MY POSITION is foolishly placed and I am obscured by furniture or LEAD-LINING!

TOM: Ok, well thanks for that, I don't think we have any lead-lined walls here on the page so I'll start with the first question. If given a human body and a human life what would you do and how would you act?

Pause

SUPER HUB: I would be called OSCAR! I would be a mild-mannered employee of Virgin Media's OUTSTANDING and EFFICIENT customer support team, but after office hours I would TRANSFORM into-

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: Lemme guess, Super Hub?

SUPER HUB: SUPER HUB! Fighting the forces of... LEAD! Beating back the hordes of the DISCONNECTED! And I would also study trains INTENTLY!

TOM: Right so you clearly have a noble streak going on there and you're a bit of a train spotter I take it?

SUPER HUB: I AM THE TRAIN!

TOM: Moving on to our next question, this one is from you Whiskey I see.

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: That's right! Now look here Mr. Super Hub, you might think you're the bee's knees.

SUPER HUB: I do not presume to be a part of BEE ANATOMY!

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: But I'm linked to the internet, it's my lifeline and too many times I've felt that lifeline cut. Last year before I was a blog I felt the world grow distant and the echoes of "Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday...," faded into nothingness and it wasn't because it's a forgettable song! It's because of people like you! Where were you when the student was deprived of Wikipedia and Sparknotes? Where were you when Josh Duhamel tries to Skype his family in Transformers!? Where were you when the hot girl in every slasher film tries to tweet "This camping trip is dead boring! @Ironicstatementbecausetheresakillerinthesewoods"?!?

Pause. WHISKEY CHUCKLES breathes heavily after his rant.

SUPER HUB: ~[deploying apology]~ We apologize for any connection issues you may be having. An engineer has been dispatched to help resolve the problem. Would you like to consider upgrading your package?

TOM: I beg your pardon!

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: He means your internet package. Besides I think we've shut him down.

TOM: Great. Our first guest and we've shut them down. That was all your fault you know.

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: Doesn't matter whose fault it was, we got what we needed. Answers.

TOM: But he never told you where he was in all those scenarios.

WHISKEY CHUCKLES: He told me something better. When you find yourself disconnected, you engineer a way around the problem. You look in your text books if you're a student. You meet up with Shia laBeouf if you're Josh Duhamel. You become the badass gore-covered survivor if you're a hot girl in a slasher film. We don't need Virgin Media's engineers to fix our connection. WE are the engineers.

WHISKEY CHUCKLES drops the microphone and leaves the stage like a total bad ass.